Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Cucumbers Anonymous

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Autocorrect completely socks

somewhere, in an alternate universe

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: