Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age