Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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Pretty much! 😂👀
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.