Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.