So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me logging onto twitter
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
