I support this random dude and all his protests
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*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
you’re so productive for your wage
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry