Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.