some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Family Celebrity
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.