Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Ironic
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
