If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Wikigenius
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Sounds like a bargain
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED