4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*frowns in Scottish*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Some people were born into their job.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk