Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty like a car crash.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

Ooops wrong house😂😜

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Lol #dogsoftwitter