[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”