Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio鈥檚 relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he鈥檚 been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Can’t get worse than that 馃槶 馃槶
My husband鈥檚 favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I quit dating because I鈥檓 a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it鈥檚 not me, it鈥檚 Home Depot
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
You鈥檇 think for $40 they鈥檇 be able to cut anything but apparently my wife鈥檚 expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
philosophical skeletons be like
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
