waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?