well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying