Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky