Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Tapped in

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

In banana years, I am bread.