The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Wait a minute…
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”