I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The government even made aliens boring
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.