Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

I ate everything, including the H.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

“I’m helping” 😅

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.