At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive