Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t tell me what to do
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn