Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

B

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers