There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.