[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight