Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison