Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went fishing caught a bass

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

What.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.