Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Risking my life for fun.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

🤣

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

The options really are this bad

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”