[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My dad is at it again
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
