Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Catercrombie & Fish

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”