I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I’m tired tomorrow.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.