Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
no refunds
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*limbos away from your hug*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The sacred texts.
