I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document