Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

My beach vacation Google searches

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please