6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
