Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!