Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
You Might Also Like
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”