Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.