Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.