Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’d love this…lol
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me