Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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Stop.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.