Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
😂😂😂
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife