I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My birthstone is kidney
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
