17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Leaving the Barbers like
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
How software testing works
