The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
This is why I hate group projects
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
◾️
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.