Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Terribly Tuesday.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

My beach vacation Google searches

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.