Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

🙂🐾

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???