you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin