Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Sunday
